Unpacking Solo Travel with Dr. Kate Steiner

If you have been with us for any length of time, you probably already know that Her Bags Were Packed is a travel site with a spin. We focus on helping women release emotional baggage, and the many ways to do that through solo travel. Today we have an interview with Dr. Kate Steiner, whom you may recognize from either her guest post, the Unpacking Burnout interview, or from recent collaborative posts. 

Dr. Kate Steiner and I met virtually during the pandemic, and she actually lives nearby, but we have yet to meet in person. Kate specializes in helping individuals, especially those in what she calls “helping” professions, work through burnout events. She has a great coaching program as well as workshops. Today I am excited to share our conversation about her travels!

Kate, will you tell us a bit more about your background with travel and solo travel?

I first started traveling alone for work, generally for a conference or some sort of professional trip where I was going to present or facilitate a workshop. These were pretty quick trips, two or three days at most. I don’t know that I would call that solo travel because there were always a lot of other people there.

But I had traveled a lot. I’m a pretty adventurous person, and so when opportunities have presented themselves, I would take them. I went to Australia with a group of other student affairs professionals right after I had graduated with my master's degree and took another trip to Kenya for college credit when I was working on my PhD. 

I had done a lot of those sorts of trips, but I had always held back on taking a true solo vacation for myself. I had the opportunity to do so at one point when I was supposed to go to Vegas with a friend. The friend dropped out of the trip, and I was so overwhelmed by even the idea of going alone that I paid miles to have another friend of mine come with me. I just couldn’t do it by myself then; it felt like way too much. 

It's funny that you mention that because we recently had a post of stories from times when people had travel plans with others that had failed, so they decided to go alone. I think it’s a really common way that people get into solo travel in the first place. It’s kind of interesting that you had the opposite reaction to that. You just weren’t ready yet, and that’s okay!

I wasn’t ready. I wrapped my friend into it and made him come. 

If you're not mentally prepared for that, it can definitely be a lot. I love that you shared that with us. You eased into it with work trips. 

Can you tell us about your first true solo trip?

In 2017 I went to Park City, Utah. I had planned the trip to be part vacation, part writer’s retreat to work on finishing up my dissertation. It turns out that I had gotten to a really good place in my research, so I really didn’t need to work on it while I was there. I didn’t need the focus time, so it just became purely a vacation. 

I remember planning the trip. I intentionally didn’t invite anyone else to go with me. I really wanted to take a trip just on my own, and challenge myself in that environment. I just remember it being very important to me to prove that I can be on my own, that I can take on this solo travel and still enjoy myself and not just stay in the hotel room the entire time.

So even though I had rented a nice little condo with its own kitchen and those kinds of things, I made sure that I had things planned. I made sure that I had something every day that would take me outside of the condo. 

I tell people when they're easing into it to do some research and have a plan, but also to be flexible with that plan. But at least have something scheduled that will get you out the door.

Exactly. So while I was there, I went to the Utah Olympic Park and toured around there, took the chairlift up to the top of the mountain so I could see where they did all the ski races, then walked down so I could see where the bobsled races started.

I also did a whiskey tour and had an interesting time there. I ended up going on the tour with a bachelor party and one couple. They didn’t seem to understand why I was there alone, but I didn’t let it get to me. They were doing their own thing, and it was just fun for me to watch them in their own little party mode. 

I also went to a concert at the historic Egyptian Theater. I just got tickets to whoever was there at the time, mostly because I wanted to check out this theater. I really enjoy live music, so I would have gone no matter who was there. I remember when I booked it, I almost booked two tickets so I could have an empty seat next to me; but then I realized I was way overthinking it. But I did book an aisle seat, so I wouldn’t be completely surrounded by strangers. 

I took myself out to an incredible 3-course dinner, and I booked a hot stone massage. So, I had some self care and relaxation planned for the trip, too. 

You mentioned that this was originally to be a time of working on your dissertation. I would imagine that there were some burn events as you were working on that, can you talk about how that fit into this trip? 

When you have burn events going on and you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it’s important to find ways to recover through that process. So, this was definitely a planned recovery trip. 

I made sure to include things that I would really enjoy. The massage was definitely one of them, but I spent some time in the hot tub, too, and lounging by the pool. Lots of wine, relaxing on my condo’s deck, and a lot of really good food. I definitely included mac and cheese because that is something that’s on my comforts list. The whiskey tour was something that I knew I would enjoy. 

So pretty much every activity, even the Olympic Park, was about movement and getting around and implementing those recovery practices, including things from my comforts list - and just taking a break. 

I made sure to include all of the things that I knew would bring me recovery but also help re-energize me so that when I went back home, I could just dive right into writing. It was really important that I had the opportunity to do that. 

We just started something new, Unpacking Me Time, which is our new self care accountability group that has been really fun. We started with a journal activity where I encourage everyone to make a list of those things that are nourishing to them and bring them joy. So I love your idea of a comforts list.

So many times when we’re going to a certain destination, we have it in our minds that we need to see and do a whole list of things. If we’re going to New York, we need to see the Statue of Liberty and go to a show and walk the Brooklyn Bridge, but we forget that there are people who have lived their whole lives in New York and have never done these things. So why do we expect to see them all in one weekend? We can’t, and we end up destroying our trip, because we let that FOMO takeover, and we get so focused on how to get to the next thing that we're not enjoying that moment.

I think something really beautiful happens when we shift our focus in travel and decide that, instead of looking at all the things that people say I should do, I'm going to look at what I want to look at and get what I want to get out of this trip, what I need.

And so, you might say, “You know what? I'm going to go to New York. I'm not going to see Times Square.  I’m not going to see the Statue of Liberty. I'm going to go do a food tour in Brooklyn, and I'm going to go see Alexander Hamilton's house.” All these different things that aren’t on the typical list, but they're the things that bring you joy and comfort. 

So I would encourage people to do that. I love that you figured out how to do that for yourself. 

I love this idea of you being on this whiskey tour with these men who are confused by you being there alone. Sometimes as women traveling alone we feel like we’re being judged by men and that can throw off our confidence. But I’ll let everyone in on a secret… Statistics show that more women travel solo than men. I don't know why that is...

Because we're brave and totally badass. 

You know people say all the time, “Oh, if I were like you, I would do it, but I’m not fearless like you.”  I would really like to point out that I'm not fearless. It's just that I have worked my courage muscles. I had to take these baby steps too, and I have learned that the magic happens outside of my comfort zone, and so when I take those steps, I know that good things happen. 

Yes, sometimes scary things happen. Yes, sometimes rough things happen, but the majority of the time, great things happen. And that is what gives me the courage to face my fear. It doesn't take away my fear; it just gives me that boost.

I just want to encourage everyone to remember that I'm not fearless. Kate's not fearless. When you see us doing these things that we want to do, we’re just stretching those muscles that we want everyone else to stretch. 

And it’s good that we have fear; the fears keep us safe. Fear is real, but it can keep us stuck in one place. So we just need to learn to take those first steps, almost as if you’re stepping through the fear. You acknowledge it, it’s there, it doesn’t go away, but taking those little steps makes you feel more okay. You can try new things and see what happens. 

So, on that topic of trying new things, let's talk about the concert. I love this idea of going to a concert alone. I am also really intimidated by that thought. 

One thing that I encourage other people to do when they’re easing into solo travel is to go to a movie alone, because for some reason we think that’s not something we can do by ourselves. But in reality, you probably watch movies at home by yourself all the time. So why can’t you go to the movies alone? Once you start doing that, you feel empowered to go do other things on your own, like a coffee shop, or dinner, and eventually a whole trip.

But the idea of a concert alone intimidates me. Talk us through the emotional hurdles that came with that. 

Sure. So it was a small historic theater in downtown Park City. I wanted to go, partly just to see the theater, but also because as a ballet dancer, I am someone who loves plays and musicals. I really have an affection for the theaters themselves, and I just love the experiences of seeing something in them. 

I knew it would be pretty chill because it was bluegrass jazz, nothing too fancy. But I'll be honest, I was super nervous while I was waiting for the theater doors to open and to go in with my ticket, having to let go of the idea that other people are watching and thinking things about me. I had to constantly remind myself that they’re having their own experiences, and I am not even in their world. They may notice that I’m by myself, but they will not give it any more of a second thought than maybe, “Oh that’s interesting.”

 I just had to let go of some nerves, but it took probably ten minutes into the concert before I really just completely let go and was able to enjoy the music, forgetting that other people were even around me. 

That's encouraging to me. I feel challenged by you now that that’s something I can do. I go to movies by myself and I’ve attended plays alone. My next goal will be a concert.

Let’s talk about safety. What have been some of your strategies to stay safe while traveling? 

You know, we’re smart. We have good instincts, especially us women, and so really just kind of honoring those and listening to my gut. 

If I’m in a situation while I’m by myself and suddenly I don’t feel comfortable, I don't care about anyone else’s feelings anymore. They can be upset with me, but I will leave the situation if I need to. I’m pretty quick to remove myself as soon as those hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Listening to your gut is really important. 

And then just be present and aware. One thing that I really tried hard on this trip was to not be too involved with my phone. I just wanted to focus on being in the moment to enjoy it, but it also helped that I wasn’t so engrossed in one thing that I wasn’t aware of my surroundings. 

I love what you said about not having to concern yourself with someone else's feelings. It’s not about being rude. At the end of the day, we can't take on other people's baggage. If your alarm bells are going off, it’s okay to leave, lie, be stern, do what you need to do to stay safe in that situation. 

Something that’s helpful is that some bars have key words or phrases that you can say to alert the bartender that you need help. Sometimes it’s asking for a specific person who doesn’t actually work there. They know that if you ask for that fake person, you need help. Other times it’s ordering a specific item that isn’t actually on the menu. If you’re going to a bar alone, or meeting someone that you don’t really know yet, it’s okay to ask the bartender if they have something like that. 

The majority of people are good, and so don't be afraid, but also if someone's crossing a boundary, don't be afraid to ask for help. 

So since that trip in 2017, have you gone on any other solo adventures? 

I haven't yet, no. But I definitely want to challenge myself to start doing more things on my own, like going to a bar alone or getting dinner by myself, and then eventually going on more trips alone. 

Something that Kae Lani Palmisano mentioned in her Unpacking Solo Travel interview was to find a conference or convention of something that you’re interested in because you already know that there will be like-minded people there for you to find a community with and make friends. 

But I think a great tip to add to that is, if you’re already going on a trip like that, you can add on a day at the beginning or end. It’s just one day where you’re alone, so it’s a great way to ease into it. 

I love that idea.

What would you say is the big lesson you learned from your solo travel experience?

I think it really solidified this idea of the importance of burnout recovery that I talked about in my dissertation. It was something that I had been researching and writing about, but this trip really allowed me to put that into practice. 

The other thing is that I learned that I can and do enjoy my own company. That’s what started giving me the ability to really love myself. So finding that love for myself and acceptance for who I authentically am, day in and day out, really helped me to be open to find someone who I could be my quirky self around, and not have to worry about trying to become a person that they wanted me to be.

I get that. During my solo travel experiences, I found out who I really am. And when you're alone, you don't have anyone else's expectations on you, so you're your true self. And you learn that you actually like that person. 

There’s a lot of people who are afraid to travel alone because they're afraid they won't like themselves when they go. That breaks my heart because, in reality, if you can push through the initial loneliness and surprise and all of that, on the other side is who you really truly are at your core without anyone else’s labels. And it’s impossible not to like yourself at that because that’s your truest self. 

Well it is, I mean it. Solo travel is the ultimate self-reflection practice, learning more about me, and really, really just finding complete acceptance in and love for my authentic self. 

It really is a beautiful experience.

I'm getting emotional just thinking about it because it was so freeing. It is an eye opening, important journey. And I think if you have the opportunity, do it. Take yourself out on that trip, and explore and be adventuresome and be yourself and just enjoy it and enjoy being with yourself. I promise you're gonna have breakthroughs. 

Like with anything else, you just have to try it. So, talk yourself into it. Give yourself that pep talk, and maybe it's a short trip like I did, or maybe it’s longer, but just do it. 

I have a guide on easing into solo travel, where I talk about starting small. Take baby steps and once you’re comfortable doing activities on your own, go explore a nearby town. And then once you’re comfortable doing that, pick a destination and go. It could be a place where you already know someone, and maybe you could even stay with them and have dinner with them, but while they’re working, you can go out and have fun without them. 

Just keep taking small steps until you’re ready to fully solo travel. 

Kate, is there anything else that you would want to share with anyone who's considering going on a solo trip?

If it helps, think of it as a recovery practice. If you are  experiencing feelings of overwhelm and burnout, and you know that things are kind of a burden and you've lost some joy to things that normally bring you joy, consider a solo trip or a solo day or a solo dinner with things that hit your comfort list as a recovery practice. It’s something that is super important, especially right now when we're going through all of these things in the world. 

Okay, you've inspired me to let people know about our retreat, (Un)Pack Your Bags. This year has been insane. We have each had a million burn events. We have not gotten to process it, and we have been asked to take on more than we've ever taken on. And so I just want this to be a weekend for us to spend some time recovering and doing activities that will help with that, as well as get us solo traveling. It will be an amazing time to just process what you’ve been through and leave behind the things that are no longer serving you, and hopefully it will allow you to come home refreshed and fulfilled.

Thank you again, Kate. 

For more of Dr. Kate, or if you are interested in her recovery workshops, you can check out her website, liftwellnessconsulting.com. You can also message her on Instagram at @DrKateSteiner.

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