Catherine Smith Solo Bike Trip in Giverny France - Her Bags Were Packed

Have you ever heard of the website FutureMe.org? It allows you to write a letter to yourself and then pick a date in the future that you would like to have it emailed to yourself. People use it in all kinds of fun ways but I tend to be pretty reflective about it. I write about my fears, dreams, and goals then I send them out to Future Me with hopes that she’s taking care of me.

In November 2018, I made what felt like a big scary decision and decided to write to November 2019 Catherine about it. I received the letter from 2018 Catherine just a couple weeks ago. After surviving everything that has happened this year -- losing my dad, breaking my hand/wrist, and needing to move -- it felt surreal to be “communicating” with this scared, less broken, past version of myself.

The 2018 letter and the reply I wrote this past week, on my birthday, are below but first, some context:

Since 2016 I had been helping to run a small, local snack company. While we had seen a lot of growth, we were struggling to compete with the big corporations. Our team was small - just me and the founder, Meg. I had rarely worked with anyone so supportive and was really proud of our work but the company wasn’t able to pay me what I could have been making elsewhere and this made it difficult financially.

One morning in late October 2018 I had a heart to heart with myself that went a little something like this:

Me: You are barely scraping by. You are so much better than this….

Also Me: Yes but I am choosing to hold myself back so that’s ok, right? I don’t need a lot. It’s ok…

Me: You don’t need a lot but you need more than this. This isn’t sustainable. You’re so used to having nothing that you don’t recognize how much more you could be and have… You always say you want to pursue professional writing but you never make the time. You should do that.

Also Me: That’s true. I am just too tired with everything else. But I can’t leave. I would feel like I was abandoning Meg. I would feel way too guilty leaving her. I can’t do it.

That same night, just hours later, Meg called to tell me she had made the difficult decision to close up shop. My first reaction probably should have been shock or fear of losing a significant chunk of my already incredibly tight budget but instead I was relieved. The Universe had heard me say I didn’t have the courage to leave and decided to take matters into its own hands.

Instead of looking for a new job, I decided to take all of that energy and completely invest it in becoming a full time freelance writer. If I had a safety net, I knew I would use it and I didn’t want to keep playing it safe.

I set goals for my new monthly income and came up with story ideas and publications to pitch. I was excited and hopeful but just a couple weeks later, on November 30th, my final paycheck came and I wasn’t prepared for the emotions it would bring with it. So I wrote myself a letter with hopes that by the time I received it, a year later, things would have worked themselves out.

November 30, 2018

Dear FutureMe,

Today I received my final Snack Like A Local paycheck. I've been trying to come at this with a really positive attitude but I am exhausted today and received a rejection from the NY Times this week and Medium for a Holiday Birthdays piece that I was really excited about. I knew it was a long shot but I am still disappointed. I also haven't heard back from the editor at Pillpack and I really want the opportunity to work with them so that's a bit intimidating at the moment.

Something about all these "noes" and the silence and the finality of Snack Like A Local is hitting me today. I feel like there's no time to mourn or rest or recover, there's no back up money. I have this month's paycheck and my credit card. I haven't traveled since early August and that was to Savannah. I'm itching to go but desperately trying to be responsible. I don't want more debt and I believe if I do this right, I will be better off a year from now.

I've never regretted any of the moves I have made and I don't believe this will be any different but still it's intimidating waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering if my luck might run out...

But the quiet voice tells me that a year from now I will be better off than I am now, that I will be more confident and living closer to the dream than ever before. I hope this is true. The hustle has been hard and I am ready to see it paying off.

Love,

Catherine

December 24, 2019

Catherine,

You received a rejection from the NY Times! Do you know how insane and incredible it is that you even had the confidence to pitch the NY Times a year ago? Even more so, do you know how rare it is to even get a response (and so quickly) from any editor, let alone one at the NY Times? Don’t be intimidated. Consider this your baptism.

Don’t worry about any of those holiday rejections! It was way too late in the year to be pitching holiday story ideas. Now you know to start pitching early.

Don’t worry that you haven’t heard back from the editors at Pillpack yet. Just send them a little follow up. It will all work itself out because, “You did it, girl!” You wrote about the incredibly inspiring Amanda and Ashton Zari and had it published by Pillpack in February.

Of course all the “noes” are intimidating but you are resilient. Just keep showing up and doing the work. The work will speak for itself. And don’t be afraid of the silence, embrace it. There is never actually true silence. Feel the vibrations of the Universe directing you in the silence. Rest and breathe in the silence. Make it your friend.

This year is going to get really messy. Not much is going to go as planned but continue on anyway. You’re on the right path.

Quit waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The thing about waiting for the other shoe to drop is that it’s never the shoe you imagined and there’s never a damn thing you can do about it. Shoes drop, ceilings cave in, and the unthinkable happens. We can’t do anything to avoid it. We just have to take it as it comes, believe we are strong enough to rise up again, and trust we have the right people in our corner to help us through.

“The quiet voice tells me that a year from now I will be better off than I am now, that I will be more confident and living closer to the dream than ever before.”

When have you ever regretted listening to the quiet voice? All of this is true but not for the reasons you think. This year is going to beat you up pretty badly but you will rise. Surviving all of this and learning to embrace the love of those around you is where you will find your confidence.

A year from now, despite everything, you will be living closer to the dream than ever before. It’s hard when you’re wrapped up in the hustle but try to pause from time to time, take a breath, and marvel at where you are and what you are doing because this year magic will happen.