Don't Carry Other People's Baggage
Here at Her Bags Were Packed, we not only want to help women in their journeys towards solo travel, but we also want to help them find ways of releasing emotional baggage.
In Budget Your Fucks Like Money, we talked about not worrying so much about what others think of us. In today’s post we will discuss why we shouldn’t pick up and carry other people’s baggage. Sometimes we get so caught up in being there for other people that we don’t even realize we are carrying their baggage on top of our own, a burden that is often too heavy to bear.
I recently had a conversation with Cheri Yazzie, an entrepreneur, creator of the new podcast Loveable AF Badass Momcast, and owner of Unapologetic AF, helping women to authentically be who they are meant to be, speak up for themselves always, and say goodbye to constant people-pleasing.
We had a great discussion about why carrying other people’s baggage isn’t helpful to those people or to us, and how we can drop those burdens, take back our own power, and be more true to ourselves. Here are five key takeaways from our talk:
Note: The information below is a condensed version of our conversation and combines ideas that both Cheri and I shared. You can view the full conversation here.
Carrying someone else’s baggage is a disservice to them and to us
Have you ever moved a heavy piece of furniture with someone, and that other person suddenly left you to carry it by yourself? You go from carrying half the load to attempting to carry the whole thing. It’s heavy, it’s impossible, and it might put you in a bad mood. That’s what it’s like when you take on other people’s emotional baggage. Not only are you suddenly carrying your side of the couch (your own baggage), you now have twice the work because you’re carrying the whole thing (your baggage plus theirs). When we do that, it’s easy to then put down some of our own bags in order to stay committed to these other new bags that shouldn’t even be ours to carry.
If you’re doing all the emotional labor of carrying the baggage of someone else, that other person no longer knows the weight of their own baggage and what toll that takes on you. And since they don’t know that weight, they get comfortable without it. They’re not going to deal with their own issues because they don’t feel like they need to.
We think that we are helping when, in fact, we are not doing them any favors. We are stunting their emotional growth and healing. It is actually doing people a disservice when we carry their stuff.
The only place you have power to affect change is within yourself, not in others
You have to make the decision to drop the baggage of others. Once we put down other people’s bags, we can focus on our own.
You’ve probably heard the quote before - “Blowing out your own candle doesn’t make someone else’s candle brighter.” Ignoring our own emotions to better focus on others’ doesn’t work. We have to keep our own candle lit.
Too many of us try to control our environment, which includes trying to control other people and manage their issues to try to feel safe. But what if we could generate our own safety? What if, instead of trying to make everyone else calm in a stressful situation, we became that calm that we can then bring into the space?
We have to work on ourselves rather than those around us.
You must find the okayness in yourself
We have to take care of ourselves, because we can't find that contentment in other people. And taking care of ourselves is something that we have to continuously work on, whether we feel like it or not.
Habits aren’t supposed to be exciting; they’re supposed to be boring. And if we just embrace that, maybe we could build better habits. Taking five or ten minutes out of our day to work on ourselves (meditating, journaling, stretching, etc.) will greatly impact our mental health and eventually allow us to recharge.
Managing our own emotions and how we feel day to day is what will make it easier to start setting other people’s bags down. Once we do that, our relationships will be strengthened and we will feel closer to those we love.
It’s okay to help someone if they ask you to, but only if they ask
We need to get in the habit of not carrying other people’s emotional baggage, but every now and then we will come into a situation where we are being asked for help. If someone you love truly needs the help that you are emotionally ready to give, it’s okay to help, but only if they are asking for us. It’s important to remember that helping is futile unless the other person is open to it.
Grief is different, and is the one time we can do that emotional labor for others without them asking. When someone is truly grieving, they do need help, but they don’t always know how to ask for it, or what kind of help they need. This is where we can step in and do, rather than ask.
Cheri is a master at being unapologetically herself!
Take back your power to be unapologetically you
One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to ask ourselves daily how we want to feel and how we want the day to go. Take back the power over your mental wellbeing. Anytime we are dependent on other sources (money, relationships, physical health) to make us okay, we are setting ourselves up for failure, because at that point we no longer have control.
We need to stop constantly worrying about what other people are thinking about us, and stop thinking about how we are viewed by others. Most importantly, stop apologizing for who we are. If you have a loud laugh, laugh loudly. If you have strong opinions, voice them. If there’s something you want to stand up for, stand up.
Be yourself and don’t say sorry. That is the only way we will unlock our own authentic self. Create the life that is supportive of who you actually are, and live that life fully.
You can take Cheri’s How Unapologetic Are You? Quiz here and keep up with her on Instagram and Youtube.
Do you struggle with carrying other people’s baggage? Did you find this conversation helpful?
Let us know in the comments below!
