Budget Your F*cks Like Money
I used to have this roommate who constantly made me feel like she thought she was better than me. Most of the time this didn’t bother me because, I reasoned with myself, “Her opinion doesn’t hold weight because I also think I am better than her.” But still I found that I was wasting a lot of energy having to constantly remind myself that her opinion of me did not matter.
This internal rationalization wasn’t even something I thought about it. It happened so often that it became second nature. That is until one day I stopped and asked myself, “What would happen if I didn’t need to spend that energy battling her negative attitude just to get myself back to base zero? What if I could spend that energy elevating my self worth instead of always working to negate her negativity?”
Recognizing that my energy was limited, I made the decision to move out and spend that energy growing, instead of battling her negative energy. This idea of protecting my energy came up again last summer while I was reading The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck (affiliate link). The book is a parody of Marie Kondo’s Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (affiliate link). The author, Sarah Knight, takes Kondo’s points regarding minimizing your connection to material items and applies them in metaphorical ways to life.
“Not giving a fuck means taking care of yourself first—like affixing your own oxygen mask before helping others. Not giving a fuck means allowing yourself to say no. I don’t want to. I don’t have time. I can’t afford it. Not giving a fuck—crucially—means releasing yourself from the worry, anxiety, fear, and guilt associated with saying no, allowing you to stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.” - Sarah Knight
One of my favorite sections tells readers to “Budget Your Fucks Like Money.” The idea is pretty straightforward. Budgets help us to only spend what we can afford. Since our energy is also limited, shouldn’t we also budget where and how we plan to spend it?
If we stop to consider the idea that our energy is finite, would we be less willing to engage with trolls on the internet, knowing instead that our energy could be spent enacting real change? If we understood that our energy was finite, would we continue making space for our draining “friends” who are always late for plans and always expecting us to solve their problems? Or would we finally draw the line and put that energy to use on friends who always have our back but could use a little support of their own?
If we really understood how finite our energy is, would we continue jumping through hoops for employers who undervalue us and expect us to drop everything at a moment’s notice when they need something? Or would we finally take that energy and invest it in our dreams?
I had experienced the concept before, like with my roommate, but the concept of my energy’s limited capacity was brought to the surface most clearly after my dad died last summer. Normally I can be a little codependent, worrying about hurting people’s feelings and taking on a lot of guilt that others don’t normally feel. But my grief didn’t leave room for any of these feelings. Just like when a cell phone battery drops below 20%, I went into energy saving mode. I wasn’t being rude or mean, but I was giving myself permission to be a little selfish -- to quit assuming responsibility for other people’s happiness and to walk away from things not meant for me.
“You may not realize it but the number of fucks you have to give is a finite and precious commodity.” - Sarah Knight
Feeling like I needed to say “yes” to an invitation because “it might be good for my career” or because “someone might be offended if I don’t” was no longer something I had the energy to consider, so I just said “no.” And in the words of Sarah Knight: “quit giving a fuck.”
Over time, as I have worked through my grief, some of that guilt and pressure has started creeping back in. But I am still more protective of my energy than I used to be. Now that I know what it’s like to live without it, things are different, and I have the ability to try and keep it in check. I do that by following these three simple rules:
Be kind but stick to your boundaries. You don’t have to be friends with everyone all the time. Some friendships are just seasonal. It’s ok to tell people, “I am sorry but I just don’t have the bandwidth to devote to our friendship right now.”
Trust your gut and make time through meditation, mindfulness, and journaling to hear it when it speaks to you.
Check in with yourself regularly. As you would monthly or weekly with your financial budget, review how you’re doing with your energy budget -- take time to assess how you’re spending your time and energy.
Saying no, setting boundaries and taking back control of our time and energy can be intimidating. And even though it’s still a habit I’m working to strengthen, I can tell you I do not regret any of the times I chose to set boundaries or said no to protect my energy and time. Instead I’ve gained confidence, developed a greater sense of respect for myself, and found peace in not worrying about pleasing others over myself.
